Kate, dear Kate it’s not too late
Even though we’ve bought the commemorative plate
Being a royal isn’t really that great
Amongst the cucumber sandwiches and street parties,
You’re signing up for something far more sinister than love
Have you thought through for goodness sake, really considered what’s at stake
It’s a lifetime of curtseys and empty hand shakes
And prince Charles, prince Charles will be your father in law!
What would you want to do that for?
And Kate you can kiss goodbye to Bourbons and Jaffa Cakes, make no mistake
Only Duchy Originals biscuits will be fit for hoardage in your right royal storage.
Anything to keep daddy happy Wills will say, as he lobs the Custard Creams away.
And Kate it’s detail and you’re welcome to ignore me,
But you told me you were allergic to Corgis
And Christmas dinner with the family is always a rough one
Without having to sit through granny addressing the nation
Before you’re even allowed to put Eastenders on
Kate don’t get me wrong, its up to you,
But have you really thought it through
I don’t want to go on and on, become a bore
But Prince Harry will be your brother in law,
Maybe you have the patience of a saint
And are a much better person much better than me,
But every birthday and anniversary spent with Harry pothead and his latest totty,
Would drive me completely and utterly potty
Carelessly parking helicopters and limousines on your veggie patch and my runner beans
With no due regard for the environment or your lovingly tended allotment
Kate, I know you hate for me to go on dear
And of course do prove me wrong dear
But but are you sure this is the right year
For the tourists and the sightseers?
Are you proud as you stand in front of the crowd
And waft the royal bling, while the government puts the boot in?
To waltz down the aisle with a smile to distract the British public from the cuts
That will rip the guts from the welfare system
And destroy your so-called ‘united’ kingdom.
I just wondered, like.
But it’s your decision completely, you are welcome to be
The face that launched a million brands, steroids pumped into the economy
A flagging retail trade made good by a boost of right royalty
Raise your glass to the new upper class, pin up girl
In a social whirl of garden parties and high teas
Plastered over magazines and the TV to remind us constantly
To spend money crafting ourselves into this stereotype of beauty
Kate, dear Kate, was your lifetime ambition always
To be the wank fantasy of undersexed public school boys
Did you always dream of being some sort of Queen?
Or have you settled for a future with the future ruler of our nation
Because they turned down your Big Brother application?
Look, I know the royal wedding brand needs pepping up a bit
After Diana and Fergie both made such a mess off it
And cancelling now would send granny into a fit
But I still would advise you to get the hell out of it
The day off is great, and I thank you for that
But there’s no need to go through with marrying that twat
We’ll all love and respect you if you go and say no
Sell you story to the folk at OK and Hello
It’s gone a bit far and there’s pressure we know
And the royals would find it a bit of a blow
But it really and truly isn’t too late Kate
I’ve got the receipt for my commemorative plate Kate
I’ve got the day off tomorrow, let’s go on a date Kate
Tell that bloke Will he’ll just have to wait mate
Well go out for dinner and bask in relief,
That you didn’t sign up for a lifetime of grief.
(This poem was written and performed by Alison Brumfitt at After Pandora’s Royal Wedding Cabaret, Thurs 28th April 2011)